A Selfie Stick Is Not an Instrument
by Empoleon66
Summary: Vince has just days to turn his WWE roster into a band in order to shut Triple H up. Based on the Spongebob episode "Band Geeks". Read & Review! My first story, btw. (Updated with a bonus chapter)
1. Chapter 1

A Selfie Stick Is Not an Instrument

(note: original idea by NazOwl Takashi. Read the original. It's awesome!)

(Vince is in his office playing his recorder. It sounds just awful _._ )

Stagehand: ( _knocks on door_ ) Um, excuse me, but is there a wounded animal in there?

Vince: No! You're fired, damnit! ( _Throws office chair at stagehand; stagehand barely ducks in time and runs in fear; grumbles to himself_ ) Stupid critic. ( _Phone rings, sees caller ID, groans and picks up phone_ ) What do you want, Hunter?

Triple H: ( _from other end of line_ ) Oh, I'm just calling to brag about my NXT Band. We sold out the past three shows AND we're going to play the Grapplebowl next week.

Vince: (stunned) The gra-gra-gra! The Grapplebowl?!

Triple H: Yep. Unfortunately, during last night's performance, Hideo Itami injured himself...again...which forced us to pull out of the event. So, I was hoping that the main roster could perform instead.

Vince: ( _nervous_ ) Um...well...

Triple H: Hah! I knew it! You didn't turn the roster into a band like I did with the NXT roster! And even if you did, they would sound just like how XFL went for you; horribly! Well then, I'll just let you get back to your sagging ratings on Raw while I go have Tyler Bate perform another five-star xylophone solo.

Vince: ( _angrily_ ) Hold it! It just so happens that the roster IS a band and WE WILL play at Grapplebowl! How do you like that, Mr. I-Jobbed-To-Warrior-At-Wrestlemania-12?

Triple H: Good luck with that, old man! But after hearing your band, the audience will need more than a Z-Pak. ( _Snickers, hangs up phone_ )

Vince: (gulps; to himself) I'm gonna need to drum up a marching band fast! ( _Chuckles_ ) Heh, drum. Band humor.

(Cuts to multiple members of the roster reading a flyer that Vince posted throughout the building)

Becky Lynch: ( _reading flyer while working out_ ) Looking for a purpose for your dull meaningless life?

Bray Wyatt: ( _reading flyer while in promo room filming his latest pre-taped promo_ ) Then come be a part of the greatest band that ever lived.

Carmella: ( _reading while in catering_ ) And be adored by thousands of people who will buy our tickets because we'll have Micheal Cole not shut up about it until the event sells out.

Randy Orton: ( _reading while on toilet_ ) Not to mention, free food!

Seth Rollins: ( _reading while showering_ ) Practice begins tonight at 8:30 sharp.

( _Cuts to later that night, where Vince is riding to the practice hall he rented out with a plethora of instruments he rented stuffed in his limo. He looks down at his watch, which reads 8:35_ )

Vince: ( _to himself_ ) Stupid rental guy made me late! That moron wouldn't know the difference between an oboe and an elbow! (Chuckles) Heh. More band humor. ( _Thinks_ ) Hmm, maybe I could call Kassius Ohno up and give him this gimmick where he's a band geek and he makes a bunch of music puns! And his finisher could be called "The Diving Oboe Drop"! Then, when he actually starts to get the gimmick over, we bury and release him! ( _Laughs maniacally_ ) Hah, brilliant!

( _Cuts to inside, where the wrestlers are sitting in chairs and talking to each other. Vince goes to the front of the room_ )

Vince: Ok, everyone! Shut up! ( _Wrestlers quiet down_ ) Now, how many of you have played an instrument before?

Bray Wyatt: ( _raises hand_ ) Do instruments of torture count?

Vince: ( _disturbed_ ) Uh...no.

Tyler Breeze: ( _Raises hand_ ) Is a selfie stick an instrument?

Vince: I have no idea what that is, but no. ( _Tyler raises hand again_ ) And Instachap-

Fandango: You mean Instagram?

Vince: That's not an instrument either! ( _Tyler lowers hand_ ) That's fine, none of you have experience. Luckily, I have enough talent for all of you! ( _Laughs. Continues to laugh until he realizes that no one else is laughing_ )

Randy: ( _calls out_ ) When do we get the free food?!

Vince: ( _ignores him_ ) Ok, now repeat after me! ( _Plays six notes on recorder_ ) Short people-I mean brass section, go! ( _Entire section all glares at Vince. Cedric Alexander, Enzo Amore, Noam Dar, Kalisto and Mustafa Ali all repeat the notes on their instruments_ ) Now, the jobbers-I mean the wind section! ( _Zack Ryder, Bray Wyatt, Curt Hawkins, R-Truth, Tyler Breeze, Fandango, Rhyno and Heath Slater sigh as they repeat the notes_ ) And the big, muscular, meaty ( _starts to salivate. Realizing that everyone is staring at him, snaps out of it_ ) I mean the drum section... ( _Jinder Mahal, Big Show and Braun Strowman misinterpret his directions and try to blow on the sticks, resulting in the sticks being launched and pinning Vince to the wall; with a sigh_ ) Too bad that didn't kill me.

( _Cuts to later in practice_ )

Vince: Let's just try stepping in rhythm! Now, I want everyone to get up and stand in straight rows of five.

Seth Rollins: Is this where we all start kicking?

Vince: No, Seth, you're thinking of a chorus line.

Tyler: Kicking? I want to do some kicking! ( _Turns to Becky Lynch and kicks her in the shins_ )

Becky Lynch: Oww! Why you little- ( _Becky chases Tyler outside, where one can hear a bunch of crashing, then a long scream from Tyler. Everyone's eyes are widened_ )

Tyler: ( _sticks head out of door_ ) Whoever owns the red Toyota, you left your lights on. ( _Steps out, where we can see that a trumpet has been wrapped around his throat. He calmly walks back to his seat. When he sits down, he emits a honk_ )

( _Day Two_ )

( _The band is marching down the street, all playing their instruments. In front of them, Tony Nese and Akira Tozawa are twirling flags_ )

Vince: ( _conducting the band as they all march_ ) Guys, really twirl those flags! (Tony _and Akira start to twirl the flags faster_ ) Tozawa! Nese! If you don't spin faster, I'll rehire Hornswoggle and have you job to him, damnit! ( _Akira and Tony spin the flags so fast, they become airborne. They fly up and crash into a nearby billboard and explode. Everyone gasps. Noam Dar plays "Taps" on the trumpet while everyone bows their heads in respect. Meanwhile, Vince lies on the floor and curls himself into a ball._ )

( _Day three_ )

( _Everyone is back in the practice center_ )

Vince: Ok, everyone, this is our last night of rehearsal before the show. And I know we haven't improved much since we began. ( _Everyone looks at Fandango, who accidentally poked himself in the eye with his flute_ ) But, I have a theory! People talk loudly when they want to act smart, right?

Bray: ( _shouting_ ) CORRECT!

Vince: So, if we play extremely loudly, people might think we're good! Everyone ready? ( _Everyone picks up their instruments_ ) And-a-one, two, three, four! ( _The ensuing noise from the band causes all the windows in the practice hall to shatter. Vince is even knocked to the floor from the sound blast; picks himself up_ ) Okay, new theory: maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Enzo Amore: Well, maybe we wouldn't so bad if ( _turns to Randy Orton_ ) SOME PEOPLE didn't try playing with big meaty fingers!

Randy Orton: ( _pokes Enzo in the chest_ ) What did you say, shorty?

Enzo: Big! Meaty! Fingers!

Randy: Well, these fingers aren't just for grabbing people and RKOing them!

Enzo: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!

Seth: ( _stepping between the two of them_ ) No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.

Carmella: Oh, so now Mr. Buckle-Bomb-Of-Doom is gonna preach to us?! ( _Everyone starts to argue with one another_ )

Vince: ( _shouting over the crowd_ ) Guys! Wait! I know tensions are high, but-( _everyone starts brawling with one another. Jinder Mahal and Zack Ryder are arguing with each other. Kalisto sneaks up behind and bashes Mahal over the head with a drum mallet_ ) There's a deposit on that equipment! ( _Enzo and Randy charge towards each other with flutes, only to be smashed together with a pair of cymbals by Braun Strowman_.) Settle down, please! ( _Becky Lynch knocks a tuba out of Carmella's hands and locks her in the Dis-Arm-Her. Tyler Breeze comes up to Lynch and kicks her. Becky lets go of Carmella, grabs a trumpet and chases Tyler with it. Everyone continues to brawl until the clock hits 10. Everyone stops_.)

Heath Slater: Hey! Practice is over. ( _Everyone cheers. Everyone turns to leave, only for Vince to be in front of the door_ )

Vince: Well, you did it. You took my chance of happiness and you crushed it. Crushed it into tiny, bite-sized pieces. I truly expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for thinking that! Don't bother showing up tomorrow! I'll just say that you all died in a marching accident. So thanks! Thanks for nothing! ( _Walks out the door sadly_ )

Tyler: You're welcome.

Seth: What kind of animals are we?! That poor man turned to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Vince has always been there for us when it was convenient for him! ( _Turns to Curt Hawkins_ ) Curt! When you got lost on the way to the hotel that one time, who guided you there?

Curt Hawkins: My phone's GPS.

Seth: ( _turns to Randy Orton_ ) And Randy! When your head was busted open after you fought Brock Lesnar, who stapled your head closed?

Randy: A medical trainer.

Seth: Right! So if we pretended that Vince was Curt's GPS or a medical trainer, then I'm sure that we pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band!

Cedric Alexander: Yea, for the GPS! ( _Everyone cheers in agreement_ )

Seth: Now let's make Vince proud! ( _Prepares to conduct everyone_ ) A-one! A-two! A-skiddly diddly do!

( _Cuts to the next day where Vince is entering the stadium_ )

Vince: (forlorn) I guess they'll have to find another band. I just hope that-( _See Triple H. Triple H gives him a smug wave; screaming in a panic_ ) HUNTER DOESN'T FIND OUT! HUNTER! AGH! What are you doing here?

Triple H: ( _laughs smugly_ ) I came to watch you bomb! So, where's your band?

Vince: ( _nervously_ ) Umm, they couldn't come. They...uh...died.

Triple H: Oh? Then ( _points behind Vince_ ) who are they?

Vince: ( _turns around and sees his band behind him; panicky_ ) AGH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!

Seth: ( _eagerly_ ) We're ready to perform, Vince!

Triple H: Well, Vince, this is exactly how I pictured this band would look ( _points to Fandango and Tyler Breeze taking selfies in their band uniforms and to Braun Strowman bench-pressing several drums_ )

Vince: Uh, they're very...eager ( _sighs. He, the band and Hunter go onto the platform that rises the band onto the stadium field_ )

Vince: ( _depressed_ ) I guess this will be the last time I ever go out in public.

Seth: ( _cheerfully_ ) That's the spirit, Vince! (The platform rises up and brings the band into to the stadium

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the WWE Superband! ( _crowd cheers_ )

Tyler Breeze: ( _looking at crowd_ )These are some real uggo people.

Fandango: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.

Vince: ( _sighing deeply_ ) Ok, everyone...( _looks back at Triple H, who's smirking at Vince_ )...let's get this over with. One...two three...four...( _closes eyes and looks away, bracing for the worst. However, instead of a blast of horrible music, he hears a great-sounding trumpet piece from the Cruiserweight Division. Bray Wyatt plays a great piano solo. He and everyone step to the side to reveal Seth Rollins holding a microphone_ )

Seth: ( _singing_ ) **The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill.**

 **The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will.**

( _Tyler Breeze plays a drum solo. Everyone in the band rocks out on their instrument_ )

 **Don't ever look back on the world closin' in.**

 **Be on the attack with your wings on the wind.**

 **Oh, the games will begin**.

(Triple H stares in shock, Vince gives him a smug grin and throws his baton away and uses his arms to conduct.)

Seth: **And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.**

 **And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight** **!**

( _Triple H faints and gets carried away on a stretcher by two paramedics. Vince waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage_.)

Seth: **And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the one who's last to fall. We will have sweet, sweet victory...**

( _Vince jumps up in the air in victory_ )

The end.


	2. Chapter 2: Bonus Chapter

(Day 2.5)

(Everyone is practicing their instruments inside the practice hall. Vince walks up to Bray Wyatt)

Vince: How's that harmonica solo coming, Bray?

Bray: It's tremendous! Wanna hear it? (Bray looks through his pockets, only to come up empty) Uh, sorry Vince, but it appears that I've misplaced it.

Vince: No problem, Bray! It just so happens that I have an extra harmonica that you can use. It's in the back. Come on! (The two walk to the back, where there is a harmonica the length of a car)

Bray: Um, this is great and all, but why exactly do you have such a ginormous harmonica in the first place?

Vince: (nervously laughs) Uh, it certainly doesn't have to do with a gimmick I'm going to humiliate Kassius Ohno with, that's for sure. (Bray gives him a confused look) Just play the damn instrument, Bray.

Bray: I'm not so sure...

Vince: Do it before I turn you back into Husky Harris, goddamnit!

Bray: (gulps) Ok, here we go! (Blows the first note. Runs to the other side and blows other note. Runs to where he started and plays three notes in one breath. Exhausted, Bray pants as he runs to the other side once more, where he blows the last note until he passes out from exhaustion)


End file.
